Quick Movie Review: Santa With Muscles (1996)

It's no surprise that Hulk Hogan's film career never really took off. The only lines he can deliver convincingly are the ones that don't require any eyebrow movement. Even Arnold Schwarzenegger was able to make good comedies.

But sad to say, I'm not sure Schwarzenegger could have saved this one either. Though, he would have made it a little bit more funny.

The film is doomed from the start. The script is awful. There are plot holes you can drive a train through, and the dialogue is cringy--containing unique lines such as, "See ya! Wouldn't wanna be ya!" and "'Never turn your back on someone in need.' A friend of mine once told me that." Also, it builds up speed slower than my '88 Volvo on the freeway. You start looking at your watch a mere 15 minutes into it. Luckily though, if you stick around long enough it gets slightly better I suppose.

The movie follows Blake (Hogan), a rich and selfish millionaire who gets hit on the head and wakes up thinking he's Santa Claus. He has a sudden urge to help out an orphanage in danger of being closed down illegally. 

It's a clever concept full of potential, and actually has some glimpses of brightness shining through. But it fumbles most opportunities it has to be better, often choosing silliness over quality. 

It's one of those films where they give the strong protagonist all kinds of unrealistic powers, like the ability to throw a grown man over a 7-foot fence. It's so ridiculous. I guess we have to remember it's a movie targeted at children.

But then, why are there cops shooting RPGs at a car during a high-speed chase? 

Also, what was the artistic decision to have it set in California rather than a snowy city? That simple change would have made it a lot more Christmasy. 

Still, it has a touch of unexpected science fiction and some interesting twists that have pretty much no business in a film this poor, making it end up being way better than it starts out. Unfortunately, before these things come into the story, most viewers will have likely stopped watching already.

Twizard Rating: 48

Quick Movie Review: A Bad Moms Christmas (2017)

While sequels to movies like Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey take 25 years to get greenlit, 2016's Bad Moms begins principal photography on its followup just 10 months after its release.

In a sequel more rushed than Porky's 2, Bad Moms Christmas must've had some sort of high demand. I know I was very surprised with the first film, but in no way did I need a sequel a year later. Especially if I knew it was going to look like this. 

The premise revolves around the three main characters from last time--played by Mila Kunis, Kristen Bell, and Kathryn Hahn--having issues with their own mothers as they visit during Christmastime. 

Of course, it wouldn't be hilarious unless their moms had putrid flaws. And the writers know this as well, which is why we get cookie cutter maternal stereotypes: the over-bearing mother who never gives her daughter any space (Cheryl Hines), the mother who neglects her daughter and only comes around to ask for money (Susan Sarandon), and the high expectations mother whose daughter can never do anything right (Christine Baranski)--all three played way over the top in the most annoying and unrealistic way possible.

But that's pretty much the whole movie. Everything the characters do or say to each other is unrealistic. The hijinks always ensues because of this. In fact, it NEEDS character responses to be impractical in order for it to exist. It merely serves to further the plot and allow the story to keep going.

Which it barely even does. Up until the last 10 minutes, nothing develops between the beginning and end of this movie. There's just scenario after scenario of the mothers doing things to upset or annoy their daughters. It's the final straw about eleven different times, yet there are no changes in the outcome or how the characters deal with it either way, because no one possesses any real self-awareness. The characters just keep getting angry, and so do we.

And it's not just the lack of development that keeps it running at snail's pace. The humor is juvenile and unfunny. So many scenes are halted by verbose dialogue that's supposed to make us laugh. We don't. When a film draws out comedic scenes for too long--which is a trend these days--it suspends any momentum that the narrative has built. But when it happens over and over again, there becomes almost no momentum to be suspended in the first place.

On paper, this movie should be good. But this proves that a film is so much more than its actors. A Bad Moms Christmas is a complete waste of its talents.

There are countless comedies that are forgettable, yet still give us one or two memorable moments. They won't ever be considered classics, but they were never trying to be. You have to take them at face value. However, even at face value, this one is way below par. 

Twizard Rating: 41

Quick Movie Review: Jupiter Ascending (2015)

As hopeful as I was about Jupiter Ascending prior to its release, I was still prepared for a let down. However, I didn't think it would be this catastrophic.

I love when movies have an opening scene that's really big and draws the audience in right away. And this film did it right. Although I questioned why the unborn baby's father would risk his and his family's life over a telescope, I figured it would be of importance later.

I was wrong.

Before we go to the theater, we trust movies that feature actors that we've grown to rely on. We trust that they made a movie that's worth our money. Actors put our butts in the seats. And being a pretty big fan of Channing Tatum, I stayed optimistic about this one--despite it being a sci-fi action movie being released in early February. I mean, I loved John Carter and I didn't even see that one based on any acting merit.

But with Jupiter Ascending, the plot is so convoluted that we grow frustrated trying to grasp what's really happening. We get story lines that begin, but don't end--as if a 10 year old was giving the "and then…" approach to telling the story. Characters (and even entire subplots) come in and out with no conclusions to their story arc. The dialogue is painfully unnatural, and the acting isn't even bad enough to laugh at. For a movie that's about preserving life's greatest asset--time--at 127 minutes, I've had plenty.

With all the movies based on books, it's nice to finally have one that's original. I just wish that it had been executed better. The unique concept is highly intriguing and the film presents some thought provoking themes, but hardly anyone will be able to lock down on them.

But ultimately we grow annoyed and antsy. We never find out who killed Jupiter's dad and why, and what reason he had for trying to save his telescope while simultaneously jeopardizing his whole family. And did anyone else notice that every time Jupiter (Mila Kunis) gets into trouble and we think, "this is it for her," Caine (Tatum) arrives perfectly on time and saves the day (this happens about 8 times). This eliminates any suspense from the audience as we become assured that this will happen each subsequent time, thus making us not nervous about the character's fate. Not that we care a whole lot at this point anyway.

Just about the only things this movie has going for it are the attractive set pieces and deeply veiled virtues. I had no idea what was going on at any given time, but somehow I know what happened.

I can't recommend this movie to anyone just based on the fact that it's terrible. If you're curious, just rent it when it comes out on DVD.

I'm pretty easily entertained and I really didn't like this movie.

Twizard Rating: 44

Quick Movie Review: Friends With Benefits

Now, it's only natural to compare this movie to No Strings Attached which came out a few months before. Honestly, they are both good movies. However, I think that Friends With Benefits is a lot funnier and slightly more enjoyable. While I thought that the script was stretched a little too thin in this one, it has a much more relatable themes and is more fun altogether. But although both films are worth a watch, No Strings Attached is a little smarter and suffers less from cliches.

While I'm still not a huge fan of Timberlake's acting, the rest of the cast was tremendous and there's no denying that his chemistry with Kunis is near-perfect. This may be the sole reason to root for a happy ending at all. Because honestly I couldn't have felt more detached from their fates.

In slight attempts to make fun of itself, Friends With Benefits doesn't offer us anything terribly unique plot-wise, but it's truly a sum of its parts. In the long run, this is one that you're going to be rewatching before the other.

Twizard Rating: 79